People always seem to have their dream house or home…. well believe it or not, I also have one, and litrary its my dream house…. I mean i keep seeing it in my DREAMS…

Its a Dream i have been seeing over and over, its about a house, in some cold country, on the sea shore, three stories, European in style, in short it is beautiful….. everytime i see it in my dreams, i wake up happy and feeling good…

I saw it from every angle, front, side, inside, and the rooms…from out its light reddish, very light red and the roof has this dark red tilling, which is just adorable…

its on a high hill watching over the beach, which has white soft sand and on the back of the house its rocks that also lead to the beach….my room has two big windows, one overlooking the white sandy beach and the other over looking the rocks and the sea too…the room is sweet too, all the furniture is made from light pine wood…so relaxing….and finally the entrance, has this dark burgundy carpet and furniture is made of dark oak wood…so lush and worm…

on the beach, i have to walk for a while on the soft, sands……i can still feel it under my feet…i also remember how i felt when i was walking, it felt like flying, i could feel the sea salty air on my face and brushing my hair…..so i walk for a while, until i reach a small lovely white sea side village…the village has these lovely small cafe’s and restaurants…..where i could smell the aroma of coffee carried in the cold salty air..so beautiful…

I can keep on talking and writing about my dream home for hours…and i will never be fair, i can write about the beach and its soft sand, the air/breeze, how cool, soft, and salty, I can also talk about the hill the house on, about the house its self, its doors, windows, and furniture, Again i could also talk about the lovely white village, and also about the walk from the house to the village….but in the end I know i wont be fair to its beauty, and most of all it will always be a dream, in my head….is this place for true, does its really exist…oh i wish GOD please its there out some place…and someday i will find it, live in it, and most of all take that gorgeous walk between my home and my village…

I HOPE GOD…..with stars in my eyes…please help me and guide me find my Dream Home…not house but HOME…and we all know the difference…

It’s 2010, happy new year everyone and wishing you all the best for year 2010 and all to come.

I wonder how many times we hear this sentence at the start of each new year. I wonder, again, how could the coming year be better than the previous?? Everything is possible with God, of course.

On the start of every year, i go on this guessing game or actually more realistically a What If ?? game, I ask my self a number of questions, here are some:

1. What if, my life did not change drastically, would i be the same person?
2. What if, i still had my dad, would i be this complicated person?
3. What if, i still had my brother, would i be this calculating, scared person?
4. What if, i still had a normal complete healthy family, would i be this sad and lonely?
5. What if, i insisted on going abroad and taking the scholarship, would i be this desperate workaholic person?
6. What if, i called back, i did just one call, swallowed my pride, would i be a widow now?
7. What if, i had all and nothing changed in my personal life, would i be in this job now?

So many what if’s and non will ever have an answer. Sometimes they say ” A blessing in Hiding ” , I dont want to sound grumpy, but I cannt seem to see it, maybe i am either blind or ungrateful.

Honestly, i am not grateful at all, I am grateful for all i have, I am grateful for:

1. My Mother
2. My half-brother
3. My Friends
4. My Health
5. My Strength
6. My Brains
7. My Education
8. My Money Status
9. My JOB

And they are in the ascending order. I think sometimes if non of the above passed in my life, I would never be in the situation I am in or the personality i developed now…..

Any way, these WHAT IF’s, the only thing they do is re-awaken the memories and the re-kindle all the sadness that comes with all the memories.

On the other hand, one has to be fair, As sad as the memories and experiences i had and went through, I lived through and experienced the best, happiest and most exciting memories ever…I had a great life, great experiences, and most of all i had the best family ever…although it went through a 50% discount, but i am still left with the other 50% which is the soul of my soul, and i will give it my all and even more to stay with me and happy…. MAY GOD HELP ME…….

At this point I start thinking of the future, how will this year be?? will i have some of my minute dreams and wishes come true?? will I be happy ?? Will and will and a 100 will’s …no one knows, well we have to wait and see the show, then only we will have some answers to some of the will’s in my head……..

And, Finally before i go, I wish all a REALLY HAPPY GREAT and FULFILLING 2010….. GOD BLESS ALL….

Another thing, is how way off is our planing is. A great example, is Saudi Airlines, their system was shot due to rain water – that’s what they say, i heard their sprinkler system turned it self on – and all flight and passenger data was lost. Here, in similar situations, the back up kicks in, well, their back up is just sitting next to the main system, so the back up was shot too. Where is the crisis planing?? In the end all i could say, HOW SAD THAT WE REACHED THIS LOW.

p.s. someone must not forget all the good sides from the government, they saved around 2000 people, and relocated the homeless ones, and so many other saving and caring, so a person should not forget that, and finally the big investigation launched to pin point exactly what happened and who was responsible. So, a THANK YOU is in order. regardless of some of the lagers who dont care, goodness will prevail, THAT WHAT I BELIEVE IN any way.

Confused Log Date, 1.1.0

Well, i will start with my latest adventure.

As usual, every Eid – our major religious celebration – we go to Jeddah – thats the second city in Saudi arabia – we had a lovely time. The day before we return back to Riyadh – thats the capital – it RAINED. It was just rain, regular rain for 4 hours, thats it, thats all it took for the upcoming catastrophe.

Anyway, the next day, which was our departure date, the flight was at 8.45 pm on Saudia Airlines. As good travelers we were – my mother and I – at the airport at exactly 7 pm. And all hell broke loose, the airport was in chaos, people were screaming everywhere. I went to the first class counter, which was actually six counters in a first class section area. Me being this really organized person, I stood in a line, where only one man stood in front of me. This man was from the Philipines, while he stood there three of his friends just found him, they tapped him, said all their hi’s and hello’s and hugs, he told them give me your tickets and passports i am already the first in the line. WHAT ?? EXCUSE ME ?? WHAT AM I IN FRONT OF YOU ?? A BIG LUMP OF MEAT ??? you just ignore me, bypass me, fly over me, me TAHANI, the big tahani, i am not a pittete person who you might just not see me. Well anyway i smiled and let it pass by, its OK these are his friends after all. So, I stood and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and…..hay, something is wrong…i saw another line where only one man was standing, I went to stand behind him and he was talking loudly to the airlines man, so quietly and POLITELY I asked him what was going on ? how come the lines were not moving ? and he hit me with BOMBSHELL ” Well mam, you know it rained, and all the water went into the computer systems and since we have NO BACK UP, we lost all flight and passenger data”, and I was like “Excuse me?? WHAT are we going to do??” and with his silliest smile he said “wait and we will do it manually, dont WORRY mam”. OK, he says all passenger and flight data were lost and not to worry ?? hummm….. ok, lets not worry. An hour later, and two fights later – i fought with two me who had a tendency to just leave the whole god-damn airport and stand so close to me, that i could feel him – the airline parson calles for me and my flight SV 1072, how happy i felt, although something nagged at me when I got a hand written boarding pass, which the cleaning boy wrote, not the airline man, and similarly, a hand written bag-tag too. What could that mean, will I ever see my bag again, but what can i do, i said goodbye to my bag and said a little prayer for it to reach me safely on the other side.

I went in to the lounge area in the airport beyond the baggage area. I was looking for the first class loungee, and i found it. What was weird about it, that the man responsible for it, was standing outside the door, usually he has a nice desk and chair inside, so i said Hi, and gave him my boarding pass, and asked him if the flight is delayed, since it’s already passed the boarding time? well he gave me a smile so sweet and sad, and sad ” well i think all flights are delayed, since the SYSTEM IS DOWN since yesterday due to the RAIN, and they still did not get it up again, sorry” and that sweet/sad smile again, OK no problem as long as it’s for flights not one, so its a general problem. And i went in….. and the loung was beyond full, people were sitting on the floor, THE FIRST CLASS LOUNGE, hay, what was going on, i asked MR. sweet/sad smile, and again with his pathetic smile now, he answered, “well mam, no flights took off since noon?? you know the RAIN, you can sit in the luggage area at the entrance of the lounge, between the bags “, WHAT ???? and i thought i was first class, what could have happened to me if it was economy ?? God only knows. Well i sat next to another girl, whos’ head and fingers were permanently attached to her BB – Blackberry- so i sat next to her, lodged between the bags, 30 minutes later, she disconnected her head from her BB, and said Hi, which flight are you on?? i told her “SV 1072, which is at 8.45 pm to Riyadh, how about you?”, another sweet/sad smile ” well my flight is SV 1044, to Riyadh too, which was scheduled to take off at 2.15 pm, but it was delayed because of the RAIN, until god knows when” and her head and fingers got reconnected to her BB once again. The culprit once again, the one and only “the RAIN”.

At around 9.30 pm i decided to go out to where the gates are and see what was going around, and oh my god, everything was crazy, people were like everywhere, literary everywhere, i could not walk without stepping on someone. So i went back to the first class lounge, and i saw the lounge person and asked him what was going on and until when will our flight be delayed? , and another of these smiles – they were getting on my nerve now – and he answered ” now we are boarding go to gates from 1 to 4 and find your flight”, ok, that sounds weird, so i went to the gates and another shock, people were like over each other, it was beyond the word crowded, this does not look right. I saw the Mr.Pathetic smile, and i asked him what was going one, and oh my god, the shock i got from his answer ” well mam, because of the RAIN, and the systems crashing, and no back up, Riyadh’s six flights – yah six flights per day – were all cancelled, and we got two big 747 planes, which each carries 400 passengers, and its first come first serve basis, we have around 800 passengers stranded and we will try to fill the planes and if some more passengers are left we will try to arrange for another plane, so go fight your way through the 800 and so passengers and reach the plane or you will be stranded possibly until tomorrow morning, have and nice flight and i hope you chose saudia again” and another pathetic smile. WHAT ??? SAY AGAIN ?? EXCUSE ME ?? I stood there staring at 800 un-organized, exhausted, angry, people trying to pass through four, yah four gates in as short time as possible. I was like ” which planet am i on ??, where did i step in to ?? did someone switch the light off for a second and turn it on in a different place ?? where should i go ?? or more realistically, where do i start ?? and yah one more thing “Damn this stupid RAIN”.

TO BE CONTINUED……..

Longing is far stronger and deeper, it reaches deep within the soul and clinch it, squeeze it, and drain it from all life and happiness.

I long for the old times, their good and bad alike, i long for the feeling of being safe and strong. Whenever i think, i dont remember but think, because remembering means i forgot and i am recalling the information, but thinking means it’s all in front of me but i keep thinking and reliving all the memories and feelings over and over again, but whenever i do that, extreme sadness accompanies these memories.

I long for the feeling of being light and irresponsible for any action, of living my life to the full. I long for doing what ever makes me happy, but most of all I LONG for the feeling of BELONGING somewhere, actually in other words, I LONG FOR HOME, a real one, with feelings, love, and lots of emotions.

Or i can say it in other words, I LONG FOR LIFE.

Who decides this person is enough for me and i don’t deserve someone better, who has the right?? and how gave them that right???

Who has the right to say i should not aim for more and what i have i should be thankful for??

The answer is…………….

NO ONE BUT ME…

So people keep your hands off and your toungs off too, i know what i deserve and i will work hard to reach it and even more..i aim for the stars and beyond and i deserve the stars and even more….