New Ipod, but…

Ok, here is a nice story, away from all the sadness from the latest blog….lets try to put a smile back…

Recently, we had this seminar in Glasgow, a neuroscience meeting, its my first since i came here…

anyway, as usual, my mom put the world up and never let it down, how could you go??? how could you leave me alone ??? me your sweet mom all alone??? tears…..i did everything for you ???? i left home for you??? ….more tears…. I was heartless, i did not care…I WANT TO GO, I NEED A BREAK…- from both work and you, sorry, did not say it aloud though..

That did not work with heartless tahani, she started, you will be all alone, no one will talk to you, no one will help you when the bus has an accident..WHAT??? accident?? where?? when?? well maybe she can see the future… mothers….

And she goes on, and on, and on….back to the accident, no one will help you, and they will all sleep in a hotel and you will be left all alone on the streets in the dark….- she should win an Oscar for best scenario… OK back to me stranded, alone, cold, in the dark, with no one to help….and still, I AM GOING….so all tactiks did not work..since when do saudi men – sorry to say that – help anyone, maybe except a pretty lady with BEAUTIFUL face, great body, and stupid as an eggplant – aubergine for you brits – and i dont fit that category at all, no looks, not great body, and sure as hell not dum… and from my experience, they are nice and they do help in a situation where help is needed, and told her of my Edinburgh Handsome Man – I will write about him later – , well she just changed the subject and never opened it again, and left me stranded, cold, alone, in the highway……Thank GOD….

Well comes the day…..Petros passed by and picked me up, as we previously planed and went to the meeting area…thats 5 am, too early for even thinking…so we stood there and waited for the bus, and waited, and waited….well, then magically the bus appeared….nice, good, and worm bus….and on we went, the bus was worm and the conversation was nice too…and we got there…

Its Ramadan, and i was fasting, emphasis on the was part…whenever, i was asked to eat or drink, and i told them i was fasting, i get the saddest face ever, with ” OH, i am sorrrrrry, is it loooong” , OUCH……, am i that pathetic, NO, i dont need sympathy, i am doing it, willing and happy….no need for the sorry….but then, its OK, they don’t fully get it…

At the end of the day, there was this raffle for an Ipod, which is in every meeting i ever went to, in 3 continents, in the passed 4 years, and also for the passed four years, i never, and i state it never ever filled a raffle form…why??? i never win…i get gifts, yes, but win, nop, no way, its not in my stars…well, i think my stars were confused that day and did not perform to its full potential, since i was stuck in a church all day – the meeting venue, weird, right- so i just blindly, as all went on and filled the form, actually half filled it, since i know, why bother ????……and here comes the chairman, and starts calling the names of the winners of one small Ipod shuffle, of course not me..hay, clapping….and now he is calling for the Ipod Nano, and i was talking to Lina , a nice girl i met there, ” i never win, why should I?? “” and he calls a weird name ” and the winner is Tahan Rabin….”" who is that ?? thats not me, but no one is standing…the funny thing the chairman was staring at me and i am staring, stupidly, dumbly, back…Is that me….me…me…yesssss me…and after a few more stupid stares and an elbow nudge from Lina, i lifted my arm, Thats me….” well go and get it….” And i won…as my mom said when i told her ” how could you do it…??? how could you break tradition and win……” yes how could I….

So i came back to my seat, and here is petros, giving that look…and you don’t win ehhhh….well i dont, never have i….another look and ” maybe you win because i am here”….yah your my luck mascot, i will take you with me any place with raffles to win…but by the end i won something, its not the prize, its the feeling of winning, its so nice, great and heart worming…

And still up to this day, he insists the Ipod in a weird twisted way, is his….and i should either give it back to him or give away my old one, well dream on dreamer…but i had a wonderful, great day, with both lina, petros, and of course my new Ipod…

Thank you….

Happy, but….

Here we go again, me, me, and more me, well its MY blog so it has to be me….

Moving here to Aberdeen was quite easy, a few bumps here and there…but over all, it was simple….

Starting my university, was simple too, my supervisors are great, people are helpful, even the summer trainee is also sweet and great….

Here comes the hard part, settling in is getting harder each day.. is settling in should take a while, maybe, don’t know.. its just so hard, and again i have to manage me and my mom, how ever i am tired and need a sleep, i have to wear my smile just for her, she deserves it, but..how about me….???

I have to admit, i am happy through out the day, smiling, and sometimes really smiling, not my fake ones, but still at the end of each day, i cry my self to sleep…i know its pathetic, but the pain is still there..it just gets louder at night when all is quite….i can still feel and hear my heart bleeding, my soul cranking…until the light comes up, then i can sleep when all the world is awake and all the sounds, just cover up and muffle up my thoughts …. then i am happy again and then only i can sleep, when the world is awake…how sad…but that’s me, complex, complicated me..

And again, i have to say, i am wearing my fake smile a little less, and showing my real one a little more….so i think i am on the right path of healing and living….

So hello world…make way….Tahani is alive….

Another confused soul….maybe???

So here I am very critical tahani, living a new life, where I thought my confusions were over…..oh how far away from reality I was…..
Ok so here how the story goes….here I am minding my oun business in the room for the PhD students – mmmmm that’s me, I can not get over it- any way, here comes this really pretty, attractive, and obviously smart student, to be in this room doing here PhD, tall, blond, the whole works….and she is wearing the shortest dress I ever saw, not on TV, so short, her nickers were showing, and she kept pulling the dress down…additionally, the dress was so fitted, every mountain and valley was clearly marked…ok, why was she doing that?? And not to say I am being a closed minded Saudi, who just came from the desert, men were ogling on her..and starring really, I mean really staring….so when does short become tooooo short, or unexceptably short….don know…well how could I, I am fresh from the desert….
Now, here comes the other part of the story, a couple of days later on a really rainy day….here I saw her again….this time, I could not stop my self from smiling, obviously, it’s not lack of etiquette from her side, but lack of pure and simple taste….anyway….so here comes this rainy day, and what was she wearing, well here comes the bomb shell, she was wearing a very, very, I mean very long dress….which was so long she was steping on it, and of course not to forget the golden sandals….in the rain, her feet were soaked, and also the edges of her dress too, aha, and not to forget her nickers were all wrong……you can imagine that….. So my final conclusion is pure and simple lack of taste….she had all the perfect anatomy, but no brains to go with it….what a loss and a shame…
So, here is my first story, ….. Get back to you with new stories…
Cheers….

New life, new world, new day….

Hello world……
I am sure I have been away for a while, did not write, but, I had my reasons…good ones too..
A new life has began for me, in a new place….and I am happy, ecstatic and over the moon. A major dream of mine has come true, here i am in Aberdeen, officially a PhD student. My dad would have been really happy and proud of me….my brother too…but all gone now….my mom is happy and proud I know that….she is the only one left for me in this world…so god please keep her safe for me…
Let’s stop with the sad, scared me, and away with the happy me, I miss me, the old fun, crazy, bubbly me, but I feel the old me is coming back to life..so “welcome old tahani, fun, happy, smily, and loving…”,
I feel so many changes, yes I did change with every blow I got, but it was a weird, sad change. But I have to be realistic, that change really made me stronger, smarter, but also made me dark, weird, untrusting, and a bit hateful. I kept seeing all the ugliness and down comes of everyone. Say bye bye and another bye to that old me…..I am back…so wake up world Tahani is in the building……

My Dream House….

People always seem to have their dream house or home…. well believe it or not, I also have one, and litrary its my dream house…. I mean i keep seeing it in my DREAMS…

Its a Dream i have been seeing over and over, its about a house, in some cold country, on the sea shore, three stories, European in style, in short it is beautiful….. everytime i see it in my dreams, i wake up happy and feeling good…

I saw it from every angle, front, side, inside, and the rooms…from out its light reddish, very light red and the roof has this dark red tilling, which is just adorable…

its on a high hill watching over the beach, which has white soft sand and on the back of the house its rocks that also lead to the beach….my room has two big windows, one overlooking the white sandy beach and the other over looking the rocks and the sea too…the room is sweet too, all the furniture is made from light pine wood…so relaxing….and finally the entrance, has this dark burgundy carpet and furniture is made of dark oak wood…so lush and worm…

on the beach, i have to walk for a while on the soft, sands……i can still feel it under my feet…i also remember how i felt when i was walking, it felt like flying, i could feel the sea salty air on my face and brushing my hair…..so i walk for a while, until i reach a small lovely white sea side village…the village has these lovely small cafe’s and restaurants…..where i could smell the aroma of coffee carried in the cold salty air..so beautiful…

I can keep on talking and writing about my dream home for hours…and i will never be fair, i can write about the beach and its soft sand, the air/breeze, how cool, soft, and salty, I can also talk about the hill the house on, about the house its self, its doors, windows, and furniture, Again i could also talk about the lovely white village, and also about the walk from the house to the village….but in the end I know i wont be fair to its beauty, and most of all it will always be a dream, in my head….is this place for true, does its really exist…oh i wish GOD please its there out some place…and someday i will find it, live in it, and most of all take that gorgeous walk between my home and my village…

I HOPE GOD…..with stars in my eyes…please help me and guide me find my Dream Home…not house but HOME…and we all know the difference…

2010, What if….??

It’s 2010, happy new year everyone and wishing you all the best for year 2010 and all to come.

I wonder how many times we hear this sentence at the start of each new year. I wonder, again, how could the coming year be better than the previous?? Everything is possible with God, of course.

On the start of every year, i go on this guessing game or actually more realistically a What If ?? game, I ask my self a number of questions, here are some:

1. What if, my life did not change drastically, would i be the same person?
2. What if, i still had my dad, would i be this complicated person?
3. What if, i still had my brother, would i be this calculating, scared person?
4. What if, i still had a normal complete healthy family, would i be this sad and lonely?
5. What if, i insisted on going abroad and taking the scholarship, would i be this desperate workaholic person?
6. What if, i called back, i did just one call, swallowed my pride, would i be a widow now?
7. What if, i had all and nothing changed in my personal life, would i be in this job now?

So many what if’s and non will ever have an answer. Sometimes they say ” A blessing in Hiding ” , I dont want to sound grumpy, but I cannt seem to see it, maybe i am either blind or ungrateful.

Honestly, i am not grateful at all, I am grateful for all i have, I am grateful for:

1. My Mother
2. My half-brother
3. My Friends
4. My Health
5. My Strength
6. My Brains
7. My Education
8. My Money Status
9. My JOB

And they are in the ascending order. I think sometimes if non of the above passed in my life, I would never be in the situation I am in or the personality i developed now…..

Any way, these WHAT IF’s, the only thing they do is re-awaken the memories and the re-kindle all the sadness that comes with all the memories.

On the other hand, one has to be fair, As sad as the memories and experiences i had and went through, I lived through and experienced the best, happiest and most exciting memories ever…I had a great life, great experiences, and most of all i had the best family ever…although it went through a 50% discount, but i am still left with the other 50% which is the soul of my soul, and i will give it my all and even more to stay with me and happy…. MAY GOD HELP ME…….

At this point I start thinking of the future, how will this year be?? will i have some of my minute dreams and wishes come true?? will I be happy ?? Will and will and a 100 will’s …no one knows, well we have to wait and see the show, then only we will have some answers to some of the will’s in my head……..

And, Finally before i go, I wish all a REALLY HAPPY GREAT and FULFILLING 2010….. GOD BLESS ALL….

SADNESS……

Last week, i was in Jeddah, and unfortunately, the rain came and that terrible flood. What can I say about this sad flood. Sadness, is exactly how I feel. I feel so sad that a country like Saudi Arabia, with all its money and oil, and this sad thing happens in it. A flood, here in this country, this dry and deserte country. I feel sad that we came or actually stooped this low, to have a flood and 106 people actually die and 25 people unaccounted for. I dont know what to say or write. All of this for the money, all of this is corruption. How come no one’s heart is with country, no one cares anymore, all that people care about is the money and how much to steel. GOD, what is happening here?? where are we heading?? HOW LOW COULD WE GET ?? I dont want to even think about it, how sad.

Another thing, is how way off is our planing is. A great example, is Saudi Airlines, their system was shot due to rain water – that’s what they say, i heard their sprinkler system turned it self on – and all flight and passenger data was lost. Here, in similar situations, the back up kicks in, well, their back up is just sitting next to the main system, so the back up was shot too. Where is the crisis planing?? In the end all i could say, HOW SAD THAT WE REACHED THIS LOW.

p.s. someone must not forget all the good sides from the government, they saved around 2000 people, and relocated the homeless ones, and so many other saving and caring, so a person should not forget that, and finally the big investigation launched to pin point exactly what happened and who was responsible. So, a THANK YOU is in order. regardless of some of the lagers who dont care, goodness will prevail, THAT WHAT I BELIEVE IN any way.

Latest experiance – THE RAIN

Confused Log Date, 1.1.0

Well, i will start with my latest adventure.

As usual, every Eid – our major religious celebration – we go to Jeddah – thats the second city in Saudi arabia – we had a lovely time. The day before we return back to Riyadh – thats the capital – it RAINED. It was just rain, regular rain for 4 hours, thats it, thats all it took for the upcoming catastrophe.

Anyway, the next day, which was our departure date, the flight was at 8.45 pm on Saudia Airlines. As good travelers we were – my mother and I – at the airport at exactly 7 pm. And all hell broke loose, the airport was in chaos, people were screaming everywhere. I went to the first class counter, which was actually six counters in a first class section area. Me being this really organized person, I stood in a line, where only one man stood in front of me. This man was from the Philipines, while he stood there three of his friends just found him, they tapped him, said all their hi’s and hello’s and hugs, he told them give me your tickets and passports i am already the first in the line. WHAT ?? EXCUSE ME ?? WHAT AM I IN FRONT OF YOU ?? A BIG LUMP OF MEAT ??? you just ignore me, bypass me, fly over me, me TAHANI, the big tahani, i am not a pittete person who you might just not see me. Well anyway i smiled and let it pass by, its OK these are his friends after all. So, I stood and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and…..hay, something is wrong…i saw another line where only one man was standing, I went to stand behind him and he was talking loudly to the airlines man, so quietly and POLITELY I asked him what was going on ? how come the lines were not moving ? and he hit me with BOMBSHELL ” Well mam, you know it rained, and all the water went into the computer systems and since we have NO BACK UP, we lost all flight and passenger data”, and I was like “Excuse me?? WHAT are we going to do??” and with his silliest smile he said “wait and we will do it manually, dont WORRY mam”. OK, he says all passenger and flight data were lost and not to worry ?? hummm….. ok, lets not worry. An hour later, and two fights later – i fought with two me who had a tendency to just leave the whole god-damn airport and stand so close to me, that i could feel him – the airline parson calles for me and my flight SV 1072, how happy i felt, although something nagged at me when I got a hand written boarding pass, which the cleaning boy wrote, not the airline man, and similarly, a hand written bag-tag too. What could that mean, will I ever see my bag again, but what can i do, i said goodbye to my bag and said a little prayer for it to reach me safely on the other side.

I went in to the lounge area in the airport beyond the baggage area. I was looking for the first class loungee, and i found it. What was weird about it, that the man responsible for it, was standing outside the door, usually he has a nice desk and chair inside, so i said Hi, and gave him my boarding pass, and asked him if the flight is delayed, since it’s already passed the boarding time? well he gave me a smile so sweet and sad, and sad ” well i think all flights are delayed, since the SYSTEM IS DOWN since yesterday due to the RAIN, and they still did not get it up again, sorry” and that sweet/sad smile again, OK no problem as long as it’s for flights not one, so its a general problem. And i went in….. and the loung was beyond full, people were sitting on the floor, THE FIRST CLASS LOUNGE, hay, what was going on, i asked MR. sweet/sad smile, and again with his pathetic smile now, he answered, “well mam, no flights took off since noon?? you know the RAIN, you can sit in the luggage area at the entrance of the lounge, between the bags “, WHAT ???? and i thought i was first class, what could have happened to me if it was economy ?? God only knows. Well i sat next to another girl, whos’ head and fingers were permanently attached to her BB – Blackberry- so i sat next to her, lodged between the bags, 30 minutes later, she disconnected her head from her BB, and said Hi, which flight are you on?? i told her “SV 1072, which is at 8.45 pm to Riyadh, how about you?”, another sweet/sad smile ” well my flight is SV 1044, to Riyadh too, which was scheduled to take off at 2.15 pm, but it was delayed because of the RAIN, until god knows when” and her head and fingers got reconnected to her BB once again. The culprit once again, the one and only “the RAIN”.

At around 9.30 pm i decided to go out to where the gates are and see what was going around, and oh my god, everything was crazy, people were like everywhere, literary everywhere, i could not walk without stepping on someone. So i went back to the first class lounge, and i saw the lounge person and asked him what was going on and until when will our flight be delayed? , and another of these smiles – they were getting on my nerve now – and he answered ” now we are boarding go to gates from 1 to 4 and find your flight”, ok, that sounds weird, so i went to the gates and another shock, people were like over each other, it was beyond the word crowded, this does not look right. I saw the Mr.Pathetic smile, and i asked him what was going one, and oh my god, the shock i got from his answer ” well mam, because of the RAIN, and the systems crashing, and no back up, Riyadh’s six flights – yah six flights per day – were all cancelled, and we got two big 747 planes, which each carries 400 passengers, and its first come first serve basis, we have around 800 passengers stranded and we will try to fill the planes and if some more passengers are left we will try to arrange for another plane, so go fight your way through the 800 and so passengers and reach the plane or you will be stranded possibly until tomorrow morning, have and nice flight and i hope you chose saudia again” and another pathetic smile. WHAT ??? SAY AGAIN ?? EXCUSE ME ?? I stood there staring at 800 un-organized, exhausted, angry, people trying to pass through four, yah four gates in as short time as possible. I was like ” which planet am i on ??, where did i step in to ?? did someone switch the light off for a second and turn it on in a different place ?? where should i go ?? or more realistically, where do i start ?? and yah one more thing “Damn this stupid RAIN”.

TO BE CONTINUED……..

Longinig…..

What is the difference between longing for something/someone and missing something/someone ???

Longing is far stronger and deeper, it reaches deep within the soul and clinch it, squeeze it, and drain it from all life and happiness.

I long for the old times, their good and bad alike, i long for the feeling of being safe and strong. Whenever i think, i dont remember but think, because remembering means i forgot and i am recalling the information, but thinking means it’s all in front of me but i keep thinking and reliving all the memories and feelings over and over again, but whenever i do that, extreme sadness accompanies these memories.

I long for the feeling of being light and irresponsible for any action, of living my life to the full. I long for doing what ever makes me happy, but most of all I LONG for the feeling of BELONGING somewhere, actually in other words, I LONG FOR HOME, a real one, with feelings, love, and lots of emotions.

Or i can say it in other words, I LONG FOR LIFE.

Self Worth….

Who decides how worthy are you?? is it you, i mean, I define and know my self worth, or do people around me do that, or again the community does that. Who has the right to say i deserve what ever i got or on the other hand i don’t deserve what i have.

Who decides this person is enough for me and i don’t deserve someone better, who has the right?? and how gave them that right???

Who has the right to say i should not aim for more and what i have i should be thankful for??

The answer is…………….

NO ONE BUT ME…

So people keep your hands off and your toungs off too, i know what i deserve and i will work hard to reach it and even more..i aim for the stars and beyond and i deserve the stars and even more….